Book Review - The Sense of an Ending - Julian Barnes

Are memories real? I mean the way we remember events from our past in our memories, is that how the events actually took place? Science says no. Our memories are reconstructions, where the factual events which cannot be denied, like the fact that you jumped off and broke your leg, are held true but the buildup to the event or the psychological repurcussions in the aftermath can be reinterpreted, so to say - like who talked you primarily into making the jump, just how tipsy you actually were from all the alcohol, or whether you did it out of pride, or provocation, or peer pressure - what we do remember out of it may be a result of cognitive dissonance, a mere rationalised memory based on our own self image. If I read something I wrote 35 years previously in my life, will it shock me or will it be as per my expectation? Our memories of how we were when we were 20 years old by the time we are 60 years old will be tampered by our self image of how we now expected us to be back then. It'll be akin to a lucid memory from childhood where all the colours are filled in, the surrounding is well detailed and we remember expressions of people as well - the falsity of this memory will be something not easy to accept for most of us. This wonderful work is about realigned memories and how it could be earth shattering to come face to face with our real selves against the mental picture we hold of ourselves.

If I Could Go Back in Time

I have been wondering – for me, there is a tremendous degree of, so to say, life coming full circle, in terms of my interests and life choices vis-a-vis what was taught to us in school as a part of our syllabi. I remember studying Shakespeare’s plays in detail at school, understanding each word’s meaning and import, making an entirely new discovery every step of the way (a few I clearly remember, like reading about “ides of March” which basically means 15^th or mid of March in Julius Caesar). But the amount of interest we showed in truly learning the work and exploring similar works was very little, if any.

It was a world of discovery that I enjoyed, but yet, my initiative in the direction of exploring new literature and reading more books was next to nothing. In our school library, I remember liking the smell of old hardbound books, in black and blue and green rough spine and cover, and spending a lot of time facing the books in the cupboards, taking out this one and that one, discovering new titles in the typical wondrous pleasure of an explorer – yet making very little endeavour to read some of those (I’m assuming) enriching books. I truly regret this and I wish I could turn back time and actually pick some great works to read when we used to have all the time in the world and access to a seemingly endless and accessible source, like our school library. I remember having done the same thing at home – taking out Dad’s old books from his bookshelves, studying their type and print, binding and cover page, and rollicking in the fabulous fragrance typical of old books, and then eventually keeping them back in their place when Mom called for dinner. Looking back, the seeds of a bibliophile were always there in me, but the initiative was missing.

I still wonder at times why is it that the teacher with the most monotonous intonation is always assigned to teaching History. And thus there was always a strong correlation between the subject of History being taught and the lolling jerks of a sleep induced head in class. I remember our History teacher in 9^th and 10^th standard used to come to class, open his book on the page where he left off in the previous class, and start reading and intermittently, sprinkling the narrative with his own explanation of why and how things happened. I can’t really seem to remember how well he explained those things – because I was hardly ever paying attention – but I’m sure there was some depth to it. In fact, if I had paid attention back then, I believe I would have taken a liking to the wonderful subject back then itself rather than almost 3-4 years later when I started my graduation and started reading more books. 

History was the class in which we (my best friend Ashish and I) were meant to amuse ourselves with book cricket (where you randomly open a page of a book and the last digit of the even numbered page was the score on that ball, 0 being out, with 11 wickets each side); or a miniature version of cricket where an eraser rubbed off into the shape of a ball would be rolled from the top of the slanting table top towards another eraser or a Nataraj pencil sharpener at the other end which would act as the stumps; or to updating and maintaining of the records of our individual performance in the actual cricket session of that day (played during the half hour break every day), and updating records like total runs that season, wickets taken, and even batting and bowling averages, and expressing all of this in terms of line and bar graphs (yes, I was an out and out nerd from the very beginning). With there being so much to do, why would we ever pay attention in this History class, of all classes, where even the teacher did not mind us indulging in these “activities” right under his nose. Probably he knew all along how few students were actually paying attention, but was too far off on the scale of been there done that to really give two shits about it.

School days were, like for so many of you, one of the best days of my life – a carefree time when one did not even understand the definition of emotions like stress, negativity, envy, insecurities and peer pressure – states which seep off a lot of our time, attention and energy in today’s dog-eat-dog hyper-capitalistic world of extreme consumerism. If given another opportunity, I would not miss a chance to go back in time. And this time, I would play more sports, pick up music early, and for sure, explore more of the beautiful world of literature.

p.s. - For further reading:

http://pranay-joiedevivre.blogspot.in/2017/01/school-days.html

Resolutions 2018!

So I feel I had a well-balanced weekend, with satisfying proportions of partying, drinking, relaxing, roaming aimlessly in a mall, eating out, eating at home, eating a beautifully cooked meal at home by wifey, sleeping enough, reading (umm..not so much this damn bugger!), engaging in physical activities, and overall doing well on the resolutions. Yes resolutions – I’ll start with that. So I understand that this is my first journal entry for the year 2018, so this is supposed to be special. But I don’t believe in special for a day; I believe more in the specialness of the daily grind, the benefits of just turning up for it, so I’ll just try my best to make it a bland, commonplace entry, that I may yawn while reading 10 years from now.

I made a few resolutions at the beginning of the year. Again, I don’t like the fact that resolutions are made only at the beginning of the year. I mean how does it matter when does one make the resolutions? But one cannot deny that there is a new sense of purpose, a new excitement at the beginning of the year which if channelled well, can lead to some progress in a positive direction. So I just try to channel this energy that is produced at the beginning of the year all around us. Also, it makes that much more sense to start off with something after the holidaying that naturally comes towards the end of the year. Like after partying on the Friday, you want to do something constructive on the Sunday (assuming the Saturday was spent sleeping off the hangover). The same way, after the grand partying/holidaying/vacationing at the end of the year, it’s easy to feel a page turn, a certain chapter end, and to begin something anew. It’s not difficult to feel motivated. So I decided on a few things.

Keeping physically fit is quite on top of my resolutions list. I did not want to make it too hard on myself that I end up so far away from my resolutions that I stop tracking it entirely. Modesty is the way to go about it. So Cardio for 20 minutes twice a week. Strength training for 20 minutes twice a week. I feel even if I fulfil this modest goal – less about immersion but more about regularity – I felt I would be better off by the time the year ends. And achieve this I honestly feel I can. And I will.

Exercising my back for 5 days a week. This became all the more important because of the recent troubles I had with my back. In fact, while holidaying in Hampi for the new year celebrations, I spent half a day in bed with a balm and a hot water bottle on my lower back. I hate myself for it, and this is something I would want to see myself overcome. No more back problems.

Practicing the guitar, learning the keyboard, or just spend time singing – just 20 minutes, for 6 days a week. Again, less depth, but more regularity. I know if I keep doing this so regularly, I’ll improve for sure. And improve I want to. I always want to keep improving in whatever I do in music. Yesterday guitar, today keyboard, tomorrow – maybe drums, who knows. The pure joy that playing music gives me is unmatched.

Reading of course. I ended the last year with 40 books against my name. This feat I have been achieving for 2 straight years now, so this year I want to better it. I target to read 48 books this year, that is, 4 books per month. Not an easy ask while focusing on my job, which I expect to take up a lot of my time and energy in the year 2018, and trying to keep up with the other resolutions. But how will I better myself I don’t push myself? I know this particular aim I may end up missing, but I’ll never disappoint myself, because reading books is something I just love doing. So even if I fall short, I know I’ll be proud of myself for trying.

Writing a journal 100 days in the year 2018. I ended up writing 60 days in the year 2017 averaging about 750 words per day (about 45,000 words in the year), so this should not be a big ask – about once every three days, or less.

I also want to make my writing more structured, so writing a short story a month is something I aim to do this year. It may all come out to be quite shitty, but shitty is what you get when you are trying to get out all that is on the surface. Once I get all the shit out of the way, the good stuff will start pouring out – as Ed Sheeran said in one of his interviews. So basically, I plan to shit 12 times this year, and shit well and good at that.

Travelling to a 6 new places this year is something I aim to do. The experience of travelling is something I would not trade for anything else in the world. I also expect to travel enough this year for work purposes, so this may not be that difficult to achieve after all.

Finally, on a recommendation from my sister, I want to read about writing for a small amount of time for 5 days a week. I may have my favourite authors that I follow and whose works I love reading. But my sister, the only author who I know personally, is the one who inspires me the most. Her dedication to the craft is unmatched and the ease with which she manages her time, while taking care of a toddler at the same time, is nothing short of miraculous. I’ve also seen her grow as a writer and I know destiny has wondrous things in store for her.

And to all of you who have read this, I wish you get the strength and perseverance to pursue your own habits, interests or hobbies – whatever you may call them – and track them well this year. Cheers to 2018!

P.S. – I’m using an app called Loop – Habit Tracker to track all my resolutions. It has quite a simple interface and the creators have not complicated it unnecessarily. Though you may try some other similar apps as well, sticking to such an app to track the progress on your resolutions is something I would strongly suggest.